Everything about this is so spot on. I never worked as hard in my life as I do now that I’m a full-time caregiver to three littles. I worked full-time for several years as well when my oldest was a baby, and, while it ABSOLUTELY had its challenges (like trying to pump breast milk in a tiny office while wishing I could be home with my baby), I also had a lunch break during which to write and a little more mental bandwidth because I was using my brain in an “adult way” every day. And I could go to the bathroom when I needed to without being followed by three little people asking for snacks. 😂
There’s a podcast that I’m obsessed with called the Jen Fulwiler Show that talks about this and related topics on pretty much every episode, and it’s by a comedian who is mom to six kids. I find it very encouraging (and hilarious)! Here’s the link, if you ever want to listen:
I remember the "adult brain" and uninterrupted toilet visits when I had my first 😂. I think having a business and writing has saved my sanity somewhat but I do miss speaking to other adults during the working day.
Oh when the stomach bug has finally been exterminated I look forward to listening to this! The kids have really eaten up any hope of "me time" this week.
I often feel like I missed a software update or something, because so many other parents assured me that I would happily lose myself in the babies and become "Barbarian's mom" for the rest of time. This has not happened. It is what it is, I guess. I'm still here; I just have to manage my time in a new world where, realistically, every single hour I'm home should be labeled "on call, 30 seconds' notice."
We went with me working and my husband at home for the same financial reasons, but reversed, but occasional experiments have proved that he's far better at it (I felt like my brain had been put through a blender.) I have nothing but respect for the full time caregivers. And to find any time for personal projects on top of that is a real feat.
If my kids were my entire life, I'd have a breakdown when they grew up and left. There's nothing wrong with you for also wanting to maintain your sense of self.
I think this is right—and I think that making kids your "entire life" also places an unfair burden on them. It's not easy to be the only source of happiness and meaning for another person!
Love love love this reflection, Hanna. Two under three over here and very much writing when the stars of time, sleep, and mental clarity/focus align. We do what we can in each season, whether it's a season of intensive caregiving or paid labor or anything else--and you're so right, everyone has the things they think they "should be" doing instead of writing, and bemoaning how hard I have it as a [identity of choice today] and everyone else has it OH SO EASY... doesn't help anyone!
It's a superpower, really. Writing with two under 3 is amazing. I had 2 under 3 when I launched my craft business. I don't know how 😄 Mums just make it work.
I totally agree with all you have expressed here. I must admit that there have been many articles or posts that have come across my screen suggesting one just does this or just does that, and I've rolled my eyes because HUHHH? WHEN!? HOW!!? I WISHHH! And no, we're not making excuses. Of course we can wake up earlier, stay up later, do this, do that and dammit I'm trying!!, but damn I couldn't tell you the last time I could just sit still without having a million things on my mind, including what I should feed myself, feed someone else, let alone write about. Unforch, my best thoughts come to me midshower or while I'm on the highway as that seems to be the only time I'm forced to have just one thing perhaps on my mind (the road). Thanks for this Hanna
I can't bring myself to read a lot of them. They seldom strike a chord. And I especially will not take advice from a "bro" who only has to wash, eat, work and go to the gym. When they post saying things like "stop scrolling and you'll find time" even though as a parent of young kids, social media may be the only way you get to speak to other adults. Ugh.
My wife and I are expecting our first in September. She earns a healthy salary in the public sector, lots of great perks too, like work from home, free travel in the area. The last job I had was anti-social hours and meagre pay, I quit over a year ago and we've been fine financially. (Though more paid subs wouldn't go a miss, lol.) I'll be caring for the little one post-maternity most of the time while my wife is working, though mostly from home which is a boon for us all. Childcare is prohibitively expensive and me working, even with the free hours, doesn't make sense; plus if we can look after and raise our own child I want too. Perhaps the reality will make us change our plan, swap, or something else but we will have to see. We also want more than one child and there the childcare costs becomes ludicrous and impossible to afford.
I'm just hoping/planning that I can keep to my twice weekly story posts, will just have to get good at writing at odd times and in awkward places.
That's exactly what you'll end up doing. I always have a notebook handy. Good luck in September. It will change your life forever lol. And yes more paid subs wouldn't go a miss at all! Wishing you and your wife the best.
Holy moly, is this perspective needed. I work full time and am a mom to two. My husband is truly as engaged as it gets. He's amazing and always treats my writing as a serious priority and does his share with the kids, the house, and the mental load. He has temporarily put hobbies away during the tough seasons of parenting. But he is not the norm and society reflects that. And STILL it's hard. I'd say it's incredibly challenging for any truly engaged parent to write. Or any type of caregiver for that matter. I remember reading Stephen King's On Writing for the first time and just feeling so alienated because he was of the opinion that a "true" writer must write every day and that just wasn't always in the cards for me. Normalize the fact that we do not in fact all have the same 24 hours!
Yes, about your Stephen King reference- his wife did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to the family. However, if I was offered £400k for a manuscript my husband would also just drop everything and support 😂😂😂 We do what we can and I love that you also have a husband who treats your writing as a priority. Partner support is amazing. Mine really wants me to relieve the burden of him being the breadwinner.
Fellow mother with embroidery business over here! Writing on substack has brought back a lot of creative energy after PPD with my second, and yes - I absolutely refuse to accept the narrative that I can’t be both an artist, entrepreneur and homeschooling mother all at the same time! Great post xx
I feel like I could have written this. I crave creative pursuits beyond motherhood and no motherhood is not enough. It's not the entirety of my identity though it takes up most of my life. Finding pockets of time to indulge in creative practice is certainly harder when you are a mother, especially with toddlers like me 😊.
You're right to crave them. A mum who has her own identify is a good mum. Mine see me writing, knitting, reading, doing exercise etc. We can be many things.
I've stopped giving general advice (mostly), because there are different paths to success, and who's to say I'm even on the best one? What works for me isn't going to work for other parents because not only am I not a mother, but all children are different (age, needs, etc.)--and all family dynamics are different.
Anyway, I have so much respect for the moms on here writing stories. It's gotta be super hard, but I think maybe that adds something extra special to your voices.
I know you're mostly writing for you (we all are, hopefully), but I think your kids will grow up seeing this perseverance and be inspired. I know I am.
Thanks Sean. Giving advice is so tricky. We all do what we can, when we can and how we can. If there was a "one fixes all" formula, there'd be many more writers than there are 😄
Hanna, I just came across this essay in my Substack travels, and I wanted to tell you that it came into my life at the perfect time. I really needed to hear someone else say, "Regular writing advice is not for mothers," and "There is some sort of weird gravitational pull toward mothers regardless of family structure or support." And the comments? Gold. When I read "regular writing advice" and then look at my own practice, output, etc. I always come up short and I always conclude that I must be the problem, something must be wrong with me in some way. The conversation you are hosting here is reminding me that being a writer-mother is hard BECAUSE IT'S HARD! Thank you for this! 🌻
Thank you. I am. I'm so happy to make you feel seen. Oh I didn't think you were being "my problems are worse" at all! One of my sisters was never out of physiotherapy and other appointments. My mum would have been unable to work with the sheer volume of them. The words you manage to smash out during nap times are well considered. They have to be!
Everything about this is so spot on. I never worked as hard in my life as I do now that I’m a full-time caregiver to three littles. I worked full-time for several years as well when my oldest was a baby, and, while it ABSOLUTELY had its challenges (like trying to pump breast milk in a tiny office while wishing I could be home with my baby), I also had a lunch break during which to write and a little more mental bandwidth because I was using my brain in an “adult way” every day. And I could go to the bathroom when I needed to without being followed by three little people asking for snacks. 😂
There’s a podcast that I’m obsessed with called the Jen Fulwiler Show that talks about this and related topics on pretty much every episode, and it’s by a comedian who is mom to six kids. I find it very encouraging (and hilarious)! Here’s the link, if you ever want to listen:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-jen-fulwiler-show/id1508041760?i=1000641161155
I remember the "adult brain" and uninterrupted toilet visits when I had my first 😂. I think having a business and writing has saved my sanity somewhat but I do miss speaking to other adults during the working day.
Oh when the stomach bug has finally been exterminated I look forward to listening to this! The kids have really eaten up any hope of "me time" this week.
Solid agreement, on everything here.
I often feel like I missed a software update or something, because so many other parents assured me that I would happily lose myself in the babies and become "Barbarian's mom" for the rest of time. This has not happened. It is what it is, I guess. I'm still here; I just have to manage my time in a new world where, realistically, every single hour I'm home should be labeled "on call, 30 seconds' notice."
We went with me working and my husband at home for the same financial reasons, but reversed, but occasional experiments have proved that he's far better at it (I felt like my brain had been put through a blender.) I have nothing but respect for the full time caregivers. And to find any time for personal projects on top of that is a real feat.
If my kids were my entire life, I'd have a breakdown when they grew up and left. There's nothing wrong with you for also wanting to maintain your sense of self.
I think this is right—and I think that making kids your "entire life" also places an unfair burden on them. It's not easy to be the only source of happiness and meaning for another person!
Oh absolutely. I think my own mother has done this, partly. She was really negative about me moving out. My other 5 siblings are all still at home...
Love love love this reflection, Hanna. Two under three over here and very much writing when the stars of time, sleep, and mental clarity/focus align. We do what we can in each season, whether it's a season of intensive caregiving or paid labor or anything else--and you're so right, everyone has the things they think they "should be" doing instead of writing, and bemoaning how hard I have it as a [identity of choice today] and everyone else has it OH SO EASY... doesn't help anyone!
It's a superpower, really. Writing with two under 3 is amazing. I had 2 under 3 when I launched my craft business. I don't know how 😄 Mums just make it work.
You hit the nail on the head. I’ve been doing this for 24 years, so I’m agreeing from experience.
I totally agree with all you have expressed here. I must admit that there have been many articles or posts that have come across my screen suggesting one just does this or just does that, and I've rolled my eyes because HUHHH? WHEN!? HOW!!? I WISHHH! And no, we're not making excuses. Of course we can wake up earlier, stay up later, do this, do that and dammit I'm trying!!, but damn I couldn't tell you the last time I could just sit still without having a million things on my mind, including what I should feed myself, feed someone else, let alone write about. Unforch, my best thoughts come to me midshower or while I'm on the highway as that seems to be the only time I'm forced to have just one thing perhaps on my mind (the road). Thanks for this Hanna
I can't bring myself to read a lot of them. They seldom strike a chord. And I especially will not take advice from a "bro" who only has to wash, eat, work and go to the gym. When they post saying things like "stop scrolling and you'll find time" even though as a parent of young kids, social media may be the only way you get to speak to other adults. Ugh.
My wife and I are expecting our first in September. She earns a healthy salary in the public sector, lots of great perks too, like work from home, free travel in the area. The last job I had was anti-social hours and meagre pay, I quit over a year ago and we've been fine financially. (Though more paid subs wouldn't go a miss, lol.) I'll be caring for the little one post-maternity most of the time while my wife is working, though mostly from home which is a boon for us all. Childcare is prohibitively expensive and me working, even with the free hours, doesn't make sense; plus if we can look after and raise our own child I want too. Perhaps the reality will make us change our plan, swap, or something else but we will have to see. We also want more than one child and there the childcare costs becomes ludicrous and impossible to afford.
I'm just hoping/planning that I can keep to my twice weekly story posts, will just have to get good at writing at odd times and in awkward places.
That's exactly what you'll end up doing. I always have a notebook handy. Good luck in September. It will change your life forever lol. And yes more paid subs wouldn't go a miss at all! Wishing you and your wife the best.
Thank you! Very excited. All the best to you too.
Holy moly, is this perspective needed. I work full time and am a mom to two. My husband is truly as engaged as it gets. He's amazing and always treats my writing as a serious priority and does his share with the kids, the house, and the mental load. He has temporarily put hobbies away during the tough seasons of parenting. But he is not the norm and society reflects that. And STILL it's hard. I'd say it's incredibly challenging for any truly engaged parent to write. Or any type of caregiver for that matter. I remember reading Stephen King's On Writing for the first time and just feeling so alienated because he was of the opinion that a "true" writer must write every day and that just wasn't always in the cards for me. Normalize the fact that we do not in fact all have the same 24 hours!
Yes, about your Stephen King reference- his wife did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to the family. However, if I was offered £400k for a manuscript my husband would also just drop everything and support 😂😂😂 We do what we can and I love that you also have a husband who treats your writing as a priority. Partner support is amazing. Mine really wants me to relieve the burden of him being the breadwinner.
Yay for supportive amazing partners!! ❤️
‘there’s this constant, unspoken expectation that mum will be there to pick the figurative and literal shit up.’ 👌👌 Such a good piece, thank you ☺️
Fellow mother with embroidery business over here! Writing on substack has brought back a lot of creative energy after PPD with my second, and yes - I absolutely refuse to accept the narrative that I can’t be both an artist, entrepreneur and homeschooling mother all at the same time! Great post xx
Thank you. I'm glad substack has energised you. I didn't know I needed to be here until I arrived. Best of luck with everything, Elin! ❤️
I feel like I could have written this. I crave creative pursuits beyond motherhood and no motherhood is not enough. It's not the entirety of my identity though it takes up most of my life. Finding pockets of time to indulge in creative practice is certainly harder when you are a mother, especially with toddlers like me 😊.
You're right to crave them. A mum who has her own identify is a good mum. Mine see me writing, knitting, reading, doing exercise etc. We can be many things.
I've stopped giving general advice (mostly), because there are different paths to success, and who's to say I'm even on the best one? What works for me isn't going to work for other parents because not only am I not a mother, but all children are different (age, needs, etc.)--and all family dynamics are different.
Anyway, I have so much respect for the moms on here writing stories. It's gotta be super hard, but I think maybe that adds something extra special to your voices.
I know you're mostly writing for you (we all are, hopefully), but I think your kids will grow up seeing this perseverance and be inspired. I know I am.
Thanks Sean. Giving advice is so tricky. We all do what we can, when we can and how we can. If there was a "one fixes all" formula, there'd be many more writers than there are 😄
Hanna, I just came across this essay in my Substack travels, and I wanted to tell you that it came into my life at the perfect time. I really needed to hear someone else say, "Regular writing advice is not for mothers," and "There is some sort of weird gravitational pull toward mothers regardless of family structure or support." And the comments? Gold. When I read "regular writing advice" and then look at my own practice, output, etc. I always come up short and I always conclude that I must be the problem, something must be wrong with me in some way. The conversation you are hosting here is reminding me that being a writer-mother is hard BECAUSE IT'S HARD! Thank you for this! 🌻
Thank you. I am. I'm so happy to make you feel seen. Oh I didn't think you were being "my problems are worse" at all! One of my sisters was never out of physiotherapy and other appointments. My mum would have been unable to work with the sheer volume of them. The words you manage to smash out during nap times are well considered. They have to be!