Writing advice is for everyone except mothers.

There's no writing hack for motherhood.

Recently, I’ve seen a flurry of writing advice that is posted onto Notes, shared and commented on until it goes so viral that it pops up again for a rerun. You’ve probably seen it too. Just turn up to work earlier, write until the small hours, write on your lunch break or sit in your writing nook at the bottom of the garden. Go and sit in the library all day and just write! Go on, it’s easy.

Overall, I don’t have an issue with writing advice. Sometimes, writers absolutely need to see that specific reminder or some words of encouragement but nothing gets my knickers in a twist quite like a person who no longer has (or never had) parenting responsibilities telling me that ‘we all have the same 24 hours,’ when my 24 hours were spent working, sleeping (a bit), cleaning up dog sick, child sick, toys, meals and scattered dirty laundry because (you guessed it) I actually need a clear, tidy space to write. Before you helpfully suggest that I could give everyone chores— I know this. I can write chores out for everybody but I’ve still got to supervise, and I like socks to be paired before they end up at the bottom of my four year old’s toy chest.

I made a comment this week about how all of the writing advice is great and all but not if you have three kids and you’re the mother.

What did I mean by this? Don’t dads have it hard too?

Absolutely. This statement was not to discredit dads as that would be an unfair, sweeping generalisation. I happen to chat to a lot of writer-dads on here and they’re wonderful people. The comment was more about how this “wake up two hours earlier” or “just stay up late” mantra is all well and good if you know you’ll be able to catch a nap at some point over the weekend, but if you’re a mother? Forget it.

I find that being a parent is one thing but being the mother? It’s another level. I saw people pour out all of the tributes to mothers on Sunday. Sacrifices were observed. Loving memories were shared. The realisation that ‘oh my god, being a mother is hard.’ dropped like golf balls everywhere I looked. Most days, it’s me who has to make sure the bags are packed, the kids are out on time, the uniforms are washed, the dog is fed, the dinner is planned etc etc. Does this mean I have a lazy husband who only thinks of himself? Absolutely not. It means that he works full time for an employer and employers often do not expect or support their male employees to be hands on dads. The system isn’t set up like that. In the UK, we’re all entitled to ask for flexible working hours. Please note that I said we’re entitled to ask—not—entitled to receive.

Even in the ‘modern world’ there’s this constant, unspoken expectation that mum will be there to pick the figurative and literal shit up. You both had a kid and accepted that you would be responsible for the life and well being of another human being but there is this pull of gravity or something that plonks you into the driving seat as mum. I can’t explain it and I certainly don’t mean to say that dad isn’t as important but there’s something there.

I don’t feel I’m wrong to say that pursuing a writing career as well as being the mother of three small children is hard. It’s impossible, actually, but everything is impossible ‘until it’s done' isn’t it?

I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to dedicate time to things that are not seen as productive or in service of the family. Writing can feel frivolous and a waste of time when there is so much (often self-induced) pressure to contribute towards the bills or get that pile of dishes washed before the next meal and the next round up of dishes. It’s hard to dedicate time to writing when you also have a day job. Sure, it may be part time or self-employment but it’s the only way you’re contributing money (no matter how small the amount) towards the mortgage so why on earth would you dedicate more time to writing when it’s not making any money?

The truth is— for me— my brain would turn to mush if I didn’t have several creative pursuits. I was happily ploughing all of my free time into my pattern design business up until February when I unexpectedly smashed my face against a wall of burnout. The business had been created four years ago on the back of a passion for knitting and crochet. I loved it and it gave me financial independence but after years of volatile economic activity and carefully curated Instagram posts plopping into the digital sea of oblivion, I couldn’t do it any more. I needed something other than that to give me a sense of purpose and a creative outlet. My self esteem became intertwined with my revenue and stats on my website. As much as you should never turn your hobby into a business— it made me happy. It was a way of me earning money while taking care of my children; designing patterns didn’t feel like work for the most part.

Isn’t being a mother enough?

No, it isn’t. I was a person before I was a mother and as far as I know, I’m still a person. Being a mother is now one of many things that make me that person but it is not my entire being. I would do anything for my kids but I still need something that nourishes my sense of self. I can’t be a good mother, wife, sister or daughter if I’m constantly putting everything else before myself. I’ve read The Feminine Mystique and as a result I always feel like I’m one step away from tranquillisers, too.

I had to give up a career to be a mother (it helps when the most you can earn for your 40 hours is £30k and childcare costs £15k a year per kid), so can’t I just have a moan every now and then? Yes, it’s what I wanted. I wouldn’t change it for the world but if I want to write, I will face difficulty and it won’t be as simple to work with as writer’s block.

When I talk about the struggles of the working mother, I’ve met with comments such as, ‘maybe you could pick up the [insert business or hobby] again when they’re older.’ I find it sad when I see mothers say ‘it’s not that season of my life right now,’ as they shelve their sewing machines, tabletop games or crochet sets. Does dad also pack away his hobbies and interests because he has kids now? When do the sacrifices end?

Most writers have it hard and writing advice won’t always resonate with you.

I had a conversation with a writer recently who, without realising who they were talking to, said that mothers who write ‘have it easy. Their husbands have good jobs and they’re just at home with the kids.’ I died a little inside. At the same time, I felt ashamed for having ever thought that single people who have to work in jobs they hate in order to support their writing don’t have it hard, either. The struggles are different but they’re still there.

The truth of the matter is, we live in a world where everything is valued only by the pounds it makes. Productivity is heavily intertwined with wealth. If you’re making something because you love it, someone will struggle to see value in it because it’s not paying for a second home in the Algarve.

Isn’t that sad?

The writing advice you see won’t always apply to you and that does not make you any less of a writer. If anything, you’re finding your own way to do things and that’s something to be celebrated.

If you’re new here, this generally isn’t what I write about. I write a lot of fiction but I will not deny that my life experiences influence my stories and characters. If that’s your bag, go ahead and subscribe. I’d love to have you here.