Hanna., I like the use of the old legend as the basis for the story. I developed a sense of doom as I read. I was a bit confused by the opening description of a foundling clinging to a strange mother, who I assumed was the hag who stole children. But when the foundling clambers down, you describe her as having the iron claws -- is this the hag? That would make sense for the narrator is the one who has been taken and hung with the other victims. Can the hag take the image of a child?
So that was going to be a simile at first "like a whimpering foundling" but I changed it to metaphorical as the child isn't really a foundling. They were taken. It's a perversion of what a kind woman would do. This creature is not a woman, or a mother, but the way this child is now bound to her mirrors that somewhat. The narrator is the foundling. The hag is the one with the claws.
If I may offer some feedback though - I found that I didn't really understand that the narrator was (I think) a child who had been taken by Black Annis until I read the commentary at the bottom and then reread the story. I understood that the narrator was somehow helpless and attached to the hag on the first read, but it took a second read and the commentary for me to really understand it. So I think that maybe a little introduction at the beginning could be helpful for readers like me who didn't get it? (Then again, most people in the comments didn't seem to have an issue with it - so maybe it's just me.)
The narration also felt a bit too poetic and detached for a child who had just been taken by a monster - it felt more like someone who was telling a tale about such a child and putting themselves in the child's place, or someone who was recounting when they were taken as a child from long ago. (Though that might be the intended effect? The narration did work to enhance the creepiness of the piece, which I don't think more emotional and panicked narration could have done.)
Sorry, I hope that feedback's helpful and not too harsh.
When I did understand what was going on and reread it, it was a creepy read and I enjoyed it!
The descriptions of what was happening to the child as they were unwillingly hanging onto the hag was done really well!
I hear what you're saying, but it's supposed to be under 500 words (microfiction/flash fiction) so there isn't really any room for introductions. You have to keep it all short and rely on poetic devices like imagery and metaphors to compensate for the limited word count. These stories are for the readers to fill in the gaps with their imagination. This child isn't really a child any more as they've been removed from their body. The beginning of the story is this tanned hide that used to be a person trying to work out where they fit. Is she some kind of "strange mother" strange as in unfamiliar and is the narrator like a "foundling" who needs adopting? It's all questions for the reader to ask. If it was a longer story, it probably would have been more explanatory but that's not the point of fiction pieces this short. I appreciate your comments though. They're something to think about for next time.
With these kinds of stories, you might have to read the sentences again and again, as no words are just there for padding or filling. You'll get clues that the child has no body, just skin. But this is what I do. I lay the clues out throughout and then all is revealed, but people realise they've already been told 😅
I think I only picked up that the child didn't have legs anymore (or that their legs didn't have bones in them)! 😅
Hmm, an interesting approach to storytelling that I'm not familiar with, since I tend to write/enjoy stories that rely less on poetic devices and are more direct with what they're saying.
(If I may make a leap in logic,) This might lean closer to the types of poetry/songs where the reader IS expected to read/listen to several times before they come away with an understanding of the poem/song.
I'll have to keep that in mind the next time I come across flash fiction like this! Thanks for explaining! 😄
Change the WiFi password? YOU MONSTER! 😁
Love stuff like this. My parents owned a copy of this. I'd spend hours looking through it https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1761508.Folklore_Myths_and_Legends_of_Britain
I want that book so bad. I'm convincing myself I can write a flash fiction story to accompany every entry in there 😆
I need to go on more charity shop hunts. It's gold!
Oooo, this was a powerful piece of flash. 🖤
Hanna., I like the use of the old legend as the basis for the story. I developed a sense of doom as I read. I was a bit confused by the opening description of a foundling clinging to a strange mother, who I assumed was the hag who stole children. But when the foundling clambers down, you describe her as having the iron claws -- is this the hag? That would make sense for the narrator is the one who has been taken and hung with the other victims. Can the hag take the image of a child?
So that was going to be a simile at first "like a whimpering foundling" but I changed it to metaphorical as the child isn't really a foundling. They were taken. It's a perversion of what a kind woman would do. This creature is not a woman, or a mother, but the way this child is now bound to her mirrors that somewhat. The narrator is the foundling. The hag is the one with the claws.
Wow, this is quite the horror and I certainly did not want to feel that feeling while I read and pictured myself as the child who's been through that.
Squirmish, isn't it? 😅 Thanks for reading, Ika. Lovely to see you popping up on my feed again.
Yup, most definitely. Thank you. It’s nice to read yours and others once more.
Took my breath! This was a powerful charge right to the childhood limbic system!
It made my beta reader (husband) give a nervous laugh. Thank you, Liz. Why are we so dark? What's the deal with us? 😂
Why indeed!? We’re just born that way, I guess. 😁
Great read! Right up my alley. Excellent work!
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Gruesome!
Now you need to write a FF horror story about changing the WiFi password!
Haha, so contemporary, but I like the challenge!
Creepy story! 😱
If I may offer some feedback though - I found that I didn't really understand that the narrator was (I think) a child who had been taken by Black Annis until I read the commentary at the bottom and then reread the story. I understood that the narrator was somehow helpless and attached to the hag on the first read, but it took a second read and the commentary for me to really understand it. So I think that maybe a little introduction at the beginning could be helpful for readers like me who didn't get it? (Then again, most people in the comments didn't seem to have an issue with it - so maybe it's just me.)
The narration also felt a bit too poetic and detached for a child who had just been taken by a monster - it felt more like someone who was telling a tale about such a child and putting themselves in the child's place, or someone who was recounting when they were taken as a child from long ago. (Though that might be the intended effect? The narration did work to enhance the creepiness of the piece, which I don't think more emotional and panicked narration could have done.)
Sorry, I hope that feedback's helpful and not too harsh.
When I did understand what was going on and reread it, it was a creepy read and I enjoyed it!
The descriptions of what was happening to the child as they were unwillingly hanging onto the hag was done really well!
Especially that last line to close it off! 😱
I hear what you're saying, but it's supposed to be under 500 words (microfiction/flash fiction) so there isn't really any room for introductions. You have to keep it all short and rely on poetic devices like imagery and metaphors to compensate for the limited word count. These stories are for the readers to fill in the gaps with their imagination. This child isn't really a child any more as they've been removed from their body. The beginning of the story is this tanned hide that used to be a person trying to work out where they fit. Is she some kind of "strange mother" strange as in unfamiliar and is the narrator like a "foundling" who needs adopting? It's all questions for the reader to ask. If it was a longer story, it probably would have been more explanatory but that's not the point of fiction pieces this short. I appreciate your comments though. They're something to think about for next time.
Ooh, I didn't realize that the narrator was supposed to be a tanned hide!
Now that makes the story even more creepy! 😱
Thanks for explaining. 🙂
And yeah, trying to fit everything into 500 words or less is tough - I think you did an admirable job of it!
With these kinds of stories, you might have to read the sentences again and again, as no words are just there for padding or filling. You'll get clues that the child has no body, just skin. But this is what I do. I lay the clues out throughout and then all is revealed, but people realise they've already been told 😅
I think I only picked up that the child didn't have legs anymore (or that their legs didn't have bones in them)! 😅
Hmm, an interesting approach to storytelling that I'm not familiar with, since I tend to write/enjoy stories that rely less on poetic devices and are more direct with what they're saying.
(If I may make a leap in logic,) This might lean closer to the types of poetry/songs where the reader IS expected to read/listen to several times before they come away with an understanding of the poem/song.
I'll have to keep that in mind the next time I come across flash fiction like this! Thanks for explaining! 😄
It was new for me, writing something a little more abstract!
Ooh, I'm happy that you gave it a go - I enjoyed it (well, enjoyed in the creeped out sort of way... 😱😅)! 🙂
It reminds you because I literally explained that in the article. Thanks for reading, though.
No worries. Where are you in the world?